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Teaching Life and History
Fresh from high school, I enrolled at the local community college. I had big dreams of getting through my two year program, finding a decent job, and coasting through life. Higher aspirations were non-existent or, if they did exist at all, were labelled dreams (and quickly put on a very dusty mental shelf). That all changed with a single conversation with a very influential teacher. I had just completed my first year of the program and, as a tradition, this professor invited each student into his office for a quick fifteen minute hear-to-heart. I signed up for a later time slot and planned to stay up late playing video games, sleep in, grab a late breakfast, and still make it on time.
I don't remember a lot of the conversation from that day, and that's ok. What I do remember changed my life in a drastic way. At some point, our talk turned to future plans. I mentioned that as long as I get a job, I'd be content. The professor took a moment, studying my face to make sure I was being honest. After satisfying his curiosity, he said, "Kevin, you can only get out of life what you give. If you shoot low, you'll hit low. You're better than that." This man had only known me for seven months. His words were strong and they hit home. Clearly, I've managed to make it past my college days and have done a lot more academically than I ever thought possible. More importantly, I've 'graduated' to a new challenge: parenting. Just like in life though, I'm only able to get out of my kids what I'm willing to give (yes, I did say kids. More on that in a future post). For instance, let's focus in on one specific topic: behaviours. My kids can only learn the behaviours they see. Sure, there are some elements of their personality that they'll undoubtedly pick up on their own, but the majority (arguably of course) of who they are is derived from what they see. In order to develop the 'right' behaviours (for example - honesty, curiosity, empathy, humour, kindness, gentleness, self-control, and so on), I need to be able to model those behaviours. To take this idea one step further, I need to cultivate a community of practice. This idea, first suggeted by Maria Droujkova, but brought to my attention through Erika Christakis' book The Importance of Being Little, states that the 'learner' must be part of a group of people actively using the desired skills all the time. In our concept, the learner is our child, the group of people a family unit, and desired skills are the identified behaviours. So, how can my little community of practice encourage the development of specific behaviours? There are a few methods we utilize.
What areas could you become a better role-model for your kids? Until next time.
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Happy December everyone! I can't believe how quickly the year has gone by. We here in the Smith household are super excited for Christmas. What about you and your family? Feeling excited yet? Traditions are an important element of any well-celebrated holiday season. We have a number of them, but my favourite is our advent calendar. Every day from December 1st to December 25th, we do something Christmas related. Baking cookies, watching a Christmas movie, singing carols. It's a month long celebration of everything Christmas. My wife works hard picking and organizing these activities. She even gets to practice some creativity with a bit of poetry each day for our daughter to read. If it wasn't for her, this tradition wouldn't happen. Thanks hun! For our first day of the calendar, here's what our daughter found: "Today, as we begin our month long adventures, let's share the meaning of Christmas with others, by giving cans to sisters and brothers." For our first day of the advent calendar, we all buckled into the car and drove over to the dollar store. Our daughter selected a bunch of canned food items, brought them up to the counter, and handed the money over to the cashier. We'll be bringing these items to the church later this week to donate to a local food bank.
The advent calendar is a favourite of mine for the moments it generates. For instance, as we were entering the store today, our daughter asked if she could pick out a toy. It took us only a minute to explain how we were there not to buy toys, but to buy food for people who didn't have any. By the time we entered the store, our daughter knew why we were there, what we were going to do, and why it was important. As an early lesson in generosity, I think it was pretty successful. Can't wait to see what this week will bring. What sort of traditions does your family have? I'd love to know! Until next time. Have you ever heard that old saying, 'parenting is a full-time job.' I have, especially as the birth of our daughter drew closer. It seemed to be all anyone could say to my wife and me. As the words left their mouths, I nodded my agreement. 'Of course it's a full-time job,' I thought. Now that I've got three years as a dad under my belt, I'm starting to understand things a bit clearer.
At work, I clock in and out. With parenting, I'm on call 24/7 (and more if that's even possible). I've been fully trained before I even step out onto the floor for the first time at work. Just before my wife gave birth, we had a few weeks learning about baby health and development. The hospital also showed us a short video telling us that our baby may cry uncontrollably. Other than that, it was a 'learn-as-you-go' situation. Every two weeks, I get a paycheck from my employer. Every two weeks, that paycheck seems to disappear into thin air. Are you starting to see where the analogy breaks down a bit? So, why talk about this? Why point out the obvious: parenting is stressful, not too easy, and way more demanding than a full-time job? I say all of this to remind you, the parent, that sometimes you might feel tired. You might feel at your wit's end. You might want to give up, throw up, or shut down. These are all normal feelings. I've had them. My wife has had them. They come up. The real question is, what do you do in these moments? Do you push the feelings down into some dark space within yourself? Do you smile and repeat the age old mantra 'Parenting is the most rewarding profession?' Do you blow up at your kid, spouse, or significant other, misplacing all of those feelings on those you love the most? Yeah, me too. I've done all of that, multiple times. While I still struggle with those types of actions, I've made a commitment to myself to take the time to find a better way of dealing with these emotions. I'm still developing these guidelines and have failed multiple times in following them. Keep in mind though: failure is not messing up once, twice, or even a hundred times. Failure is giving up entirely. When I'm feeling my lowest, here are four things that I try to do to bring myself back up:
These four suggestions are just that, suggestions. You may need additional help or need to pursue different practices to help you regain your emotional stability. Whatever you need to do, I just ask, please take the time and do it. Your kids need you at your best. I believe in you. Until next time. As a kid, I never really thought about the words I said. Whatever was in my head came out in a pretty steady stream. As I got older, the stream dried up. I spoke less and less what was in my head and heart and more what I knew the listener wanted to hear. Somewhere along the way, I realized the power that words have, both to heal and to harm. I wouldn't say I was fixated on it, just conscious of it.
Now that I'm a dad, it's all I can think about. It fills my thoughts. What effect will the words I say now have on my daughter's future? In those moments when I'm not the most patient or understanding, will the words I say change A's outlook on life or her view of herself? Will she be able to look back and pinpoint those moments that formed who she will be? When A was younger, my wife started doing something that will hopefully remind our daughter who she is. If you've every read Kathryn Stockett's The Help, this may be familiar. The practice has become known as 'The Words' in our home, and A asks for them almost every night. Before tucking her in and kissing her goodnight, we say the following: "You are smart, you are kind, you are brave, and you are special. Mommy loves you and Daddy loves you, but Jesus loves you most of all." The wording has changed a bit over the years, but the structure has stayed the same. We repeat a few of the virtues we know she has and we want her to hold on to. While being smart, kind, brave, and special are not the only things in life, we've identified them as important elements of her personality that we want to encourage and affirm. As she ages, we may change these to reflect what we see and what we know about her. Second, we remind her constantly that she is loved. As she goes out into the world (school, church, friend's houses, etc.), she may find people who are downright mean and maybe don't like her. It's our hope that she'll always know there is one place where, no matter what, she is always loved. To every parent reading this right now: be deliberate in what you say to your kids. Don't assume that they know they are loved. Don't assume that they know that you know they're talented. Tell them! Be sincere! And don't stop with words. Use your actions to build up your kids' confidence. If you notice your son excels at painting, put that art on the wall. If your daughter is a singer, be the loudest to applaud. Don't take for granted the fact that you love your kids. Act on it every day. Until next time. These are the jars. The jars have quickly become the highlight of our Sunday bedtime routine, and not just for A (our daughter). I love seeing her eyes light up when I walk in the room with the three quarters that go into these jars. Before we get too far ahead though, let's back up for a second. My wife and I agreed that A would be able to earn an allowance at a relatively early age. It's our hope that she'll take lessons learned during these early money making days and adapt them to work and money related situations at a later time in her life. We've selected the three labels on the jars very carefully in order to convey three important financial concepts. In the pink jar, A deposits twenty-five cents for saving. Specifically, we say that this money is set aside for school. While we realize that this small contribution might eventually cover lunch on her first day on campus (she's already got $3.00, which is pretty good for a three year old). Generally, we hope to help A understand the importance of putting a portion of money away regularly into a savings account. It's impossible to foresee everything coming your way this month, year, decade. Sometimes it's hard to know what's coming today. A well stocked savings account can help with these unpredictable moments. In the centre, the clear jar holds A's money for spending. This is A's favourite jar hands down. Now that I think about it, this jar may be my favourite one as well. The money is the spending jar can be used to buy whatever she wants. The challenge for A, and one of the lessons that she is starting to understand already, is the concept of 'delayed gratification.' Essentially, A could go out each week and put her quarter in a candy machine. She'd be spending the money, which is completely acceptable according to the rules of the jars, but the candy goes quick. The pleasure attached to this purchase is fleeting at best. If A is able to wait, she can save more money and we can go to the dollar store (our last trip there was fairly successful and the Disney Frozen microphone she bought was a favourite toy for a while). I'm hoping this lesson sticks. I'm hoping that A will know that just because the money is labelled 'spending' doesn't mean it has to be spent. This was a lesson her dad probably should have learned a bit better before getting married. The blue jar holds A's money for giving. I feel as if this is one aspect of finances that is often overlooked and I'm hoping that our message is clear in her mind. Giving to others is an important aspect of humanity. Selfishness and greed, though predominate at certain levels of society, can only take us so far. Now, as Christians, my wife, daughter, and I do give to our church (the money in the give jar is actually A's allowance contributions and 10% of dad's weekly tip money from work). That doesn't mean that you and your family need to find a church to give to if you don't already attend one weekly. There are many worthy causes and many people that could find a use for that money. If you haven't already worked giving in to your family's financial planning, I highly encourage it! These jars are super simple. I think it took me longer to find them than it did to write the labels on them. But what a way to teach our toddler about these three important financial concepts. As A grows, her allowance will grow. As she moves into the working world, loonies and toonies will be replaced by minimum wage. Jars will be trumped by bank accounts. These three concepts will stay the same though. Save, spend, and give. That's it. Until next time. I love to write. I love the thrill of bringing new ideas to life on a fresh sheet of paper, digital or otherwise. I love that the only thing that can ever limit your writing is you. Your imagination rules when it comes to writing. Nothing is off limits. A story about talking animals? Sure! Aliens crash landed on Earth? Why not? Literally, anything goes. While this is the beauty of writing, it can also be its most frustrating element.
The sheer mass of available topics, questions, solutions, thoughts, and the rest is astronomical; its crushing. Without focus, without determination and perseverance, the author can quickly become pulverized in the possibilities, crushed by the choices, asphyxiated by the availability. You get the picture. During my two and a half years as a graduate student in history, I found these choices difficult, but manageable. While I was given the freedom to write on any topic for my courses, I was also limited in a sense by the course topic and syllabus. The selection was there, but only in a much subdued sense. Once I completed the program, my writing world opened wide. No longer did I have to meet a word count or particular topic. I was free! I could write anything! This thought paralyzed me. I choked. I couldn't put pen to paper. I knew something had to be done. How do you solve the problem of too much freedom? I was too financial unstable to go back to school (and let's face it, I was tired of school by that point). There was no demand for written work in my work world. I was stumped. Then, the solution became clear. I read it in Kelly James-Enger's Writer for Hire: 101 Secrets to Freelance Success. In her section on marketing yourself, she suggests thinking about what you can offer current and future readers. So here it is, what I can offer you: parenting and history. Parenting is a difficult task. There's no handbook, but everyone with kids is expected to do it. While I am far from an expert, I am passionate about making sure my daughter grows, learns, and treats others how she wishes to be treated everyday. It's challenging, but I'm lucky to have a loving wife who partners with me and makes the load a bit lighter. History can also be a difficult task. Finding your sources, interpreting them, and making relevant connections to the present can be challenging at times; but the rewards are well worth it. These are the two areas that I feel I can offer the most to all readers. Parenting and history. The purpose of this blog is to explore both. The challenge I am putting in front of me is to find where these two intersect. How can I use history to encourage my daughter to live a better life? What can my wife and I do to encourage our daughter to explore the world around her, to ask questions, to do the hard research, to find answers? Sounds like a daunting task. The posts on The Historical Dad may focus solely on parenting, on history, or both. Sometimes, I may delve into thoughts on writing. I like to keep the material fresh and engaging. In order to do this, you guys (the readers) are essential. Let me know what you think on a topic. Ask questions that get me thinking about my position. Suggest future topics to write on. Get involved! The last thing I want this blog to become is me writing into space with no engagement. Until next time. |
AuthorMy name is Kevin. I'm a husband, a dad and a historian, in that order. Archives
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